A poem about walking up and down a hallway a dozen times a day, and studiously avoiding the closed door, the forbidden door, the door which if opened, "will only bring misery on thyself"
There is a door. There are no poems inside me for this door. Not today at any rate. The door is my daughter's and its been shut, more or less, since she left for a one month holiday, two months ago and never came back. No, she's not dead - she's just 'estranging'. I don't know why I am so devastated, shell shocked with grief and loss ... estranging is something my family excel at. I even saw it coming, not because we had problems in our relationship (we were quite close), not because she was lacking for something at home (we've got a pretty respectable life), not even because she had any big or horrible problem that most other 16 year old girls don't have. I saw it coming because its deja vu - patterns, converging. Hell, I even spoke to her about it before she left.
So there is a door. A month has come and gone and I still have not been able to walk through that door and clean up her room. I sit in tears even thinking about it. In fact, I cry, in the car, at work, in the kitchen, the shower and in bed. I've been to the doctor, refusing to take drugs that would numb me out, and stuff the hurt deeper. I've been trying to find my sea legs again. I remain awed by how deeply children can wound; how senselessly and how innocently they betray, how righteously they blame. I can't imagine what is going on for her at the moment. Our brief correspondence has been littered with ends, justifying means.
It doesn't mean things won't change, and we won't sort things out. Love is powerful, even more powerful than family patterns and history, or so I'd like to believe. But for today, there is a door and I cannot walk through it.
Thanks to Cams for posting this outstanding Roy Harper track about the Berlin Wall. It's roughly recorded, but Roy kept it when subsequent recordings didn't have the same feeling.
The growling electric guitars are by David Gilmour.
Don't forget that you love me
More than the stars over your head
It's just that your love shines like the moon
Full and bright and blinding through
Into my heart, into my head
When it's so dark I can't see the light
I close my eyes and I think of you
My little love, my only girl
I wouldn't leave you for all the world
I'll just sit here and wait for your moon to rise
When it's so dark I can't see the light
Well I close my eyes and I think of you
When it's so dark I can't see the light
Well I think of you
When it's so dark I can see the light
Shining through you.
The one sole thing I've been looking forward to this whole year is now pretty much down the drain.
Right now, I just feel so goddamn sad :(
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Super model Molly & the Haight
I had allot say on this shoot and then I had allot of nothing to say..
Took inspiration from a few old school paints, some French
documentaries , Childhood, youth, death, and coming of age..and Maria
Callas, sempre Libra ( for the black and white hair toss)
Thanks to the lovely Molly @ Ford
. Great day to shoot and great people, this is the reason I love San
Francisco, who would have though such a beautiful location would be
smack in the middle of the Haight.. the smell of pot was in the air and
spirits were high.. the Highlight of my day, a passerby saw us shooting
and blurted out : " that's some awesome white trash" haha you'll see
why.And Special thanks to Oliver and his owner Linda who saved the day!
can't wait for part two with the deer hounds!
I haven't been managing time really properly. I think at this rate I won't be able to tie up loose ends before I go for the holidays. Spending time away from blogging still doesn't give me the extra time I need.. hehe. I was in KL last 2 weekends and got things to tell about the place we stayed.. but I didn even take any photos. Well.. conclusion --- I still can't shop at Jalan TAR. It's just too uncomfortable.. and wierd.. plus didn't get much done while we were there. So dun think will go there again.
Last weekend we had to stay home. OH wanted to take us to taiping since the petting zoo entry is basically the waterpark entry and we dun intend to go all out with playing water esp in this kinda weather but I jast can't.. I needed more time.. I need to slow down. Either that or I'm just panicking about my t-20 days to tie up loose ends.. hehe. Knowing myself.. it's most probably the latter.
Weekends.. the usual.. dine out, breakfast at kopitiams. Afya drew faces summore.. she's liking the pen and paper thing even more now that she's able to draw something we can relate to.
Then I get to try out something new last week --- oversized clutch, rhinestones and embelishments. Requested project. Very nice fabric print.. love how it turned out. When can I make one for myself.. tsk tsk tsk...
Oh, I should show you the little fixing I did to make this tall bookshelf toddler proof. When we bought this, we specifically told the sales person (in her native language) that we need them to help us fix it to the wall when it's sent over. But.. the message didn't get through apparently. They didn bring any tools with them *sigh* So, we DIY-ed a bit and make it safe in case that budak kecik intends to climb it when no one's watching (still in the middle of spring cleaning.. mind the coverless couch and I really need to do something with the feature wall.. it's just soo sad...)
Until the next post.. dunno when.. have a great week! Oh, I'll be in Shah Alam 14th-18th Nov.
Today in the Twitterverse:
- 15:41 RT: @BarackObama: House vote on health reform is imminent. This is a once-in-a-generation moment. Be part of it: bit.ly/3AEkDz #
- 20:47 RT @timryan House passes historic reform to provide health care for every American. Congratulating my colleagues on the floor. #
- 21:03 R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♫ blip.fm/~g1a32 #
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